It's surprising to see how far I've come since the time i thought i couldn't go on. i still remember that day. how everything seemed to be wrong.
how the ground just suddenly dropped from under me. how every word that came out of your mouth seemed to hit me like a wrecking ball. and how each word weakened the foundations that i fought so hard to keep smashing into a thousand pieces.
more so, how i watched with my tears as they began to crumble and fall to the ground when the wrecking ball kept smashing away.
i started to pick up the pieces the morning after trying to put them back together in the hopes that i might be able to rebuild. only to find out that i couldn't do it alone. you took away a lot of the pieces i needed. never to give them back to me. that's when i decided to to stop trying to raise back the foundations. i threw away the pieces o held in my hand along with the rest of the rubble. i then started to clean up the mess. some only needed to be swept away while others needed the help of a bulldozer. these were also those that needed to be further broken down before they could be moved because they were too big. it took some time before i could actually see any progress.
But now its starting to clear things up. sure i have a long way to go before i can clean it all up, but i plan to stick with it. i don't need the bulldozer anymore. i can push most of them myself. the others only need to be kicked out of the way.
i can see the ground again. it mat not be as pristine as when we first saw it. save for a few holes that need some patching, it's still level and strong. and that makes me smile, knowing that despite the heavy weight that we placed on it through the years and having the debris that fell on it with the destruction of what we had constructed , it's still good.
however, even if i do get it cleaned up, i don't think I'll rebuild. it has served its purpose. it has endured so much already and rebuilding on it won't be right. I'm looking for another place where i can build something new. not really consciously looking, just travelling down the road and enjoying the sights. i occasionally go back just to clear up some more, but i don't stay long. there's so much to see, so much to enjoy, so much to look forward to.
someday, somewhere, somehow I'll be able to build again. but right now I'm going to enjoy myself. by the way, you're welcome to go back there to help me clean up. but you don't have .